Recently, I was told that I can be a little "intense," by my friend. I laughed. I knew he was right. He was not the first person to tell me and he will most certainly not be the last.
This intensity is ingrained in who I am. I have always had a consuming fire burning at the core of my soul. When my head is not in the clouds, pondering existence when the universe seems too small, I am testing the waters of reality. Visually, this would look like a five-year old's scenic drawing of a girl floating just above the line of green grass but, stuck on the white of the printer paper, just below the scribbles of blue skies. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am stuck between these metaphoric lines.
I enjoy pondering truth, in all of its abstractions; existence, in all of its forms; and expression, in all of its mediums. Here, my head is searching in what chassidus would refer to as the "upper waters." But my feet are grounded and my hands are created out of the dust and dirt in which I seek to build kingdoms upon. On these physical matters, my mind ponders the physical limitations of mind and body, the possibilities of creating and effecting change, and the knowledge of mastering the physical world for both utility and ascetics. This, chassidus refers to, is the body of thought pertaining to the "lower waters."
Now imagine all these thoughts in a four-and-a-half foot ten-year old girl with a wild side. What you have here is a trouble maker.
But daaaaaaaadddd, why? Mooooommmm, why? Mrs. whyyy? Mr. whyyy? Rabbi, why???
We all know that annoying kid. The one who cannot be silenced with bribery or punishment. The one who pushes you to your last wits end because of the constant "whys" and "I don't wanna's". It is that child who "needs a good potch" or just "needs to learn respect."
Well, nothing worked; not the consequences, bribes, or positive reinforcement. What we had on our hands was a child who wanted to test all the boundaries to see where her world started and ended. She wanted explanations. She wanted clarity. She wanted understanding. But her needs were not met. She grew to be a wild, free-spirited, independent teenager who did as she saw fit. And by she, I mean me.
I was one freaking rebellious teenager.
But it's good that no one successfully beat the curious nature out of me because it led me on the most fantastic journey. This journey begun approximately five years ago and is still in progress.
This is my journey of getting answers-- explanations-- understanding.
Understanding of existence and of myself. Understanding of the world and my place in it. Even the understanding of the supernatural and divine. But just as quickly as the explanations to long held questions flooded my being, my hands became weak. I spent three years in seminary, quenching two decades of thirst, only to realize I am not only a spiritual being. I have a soul, a spiritual side, but my body is physical and was created for me to effectuate this understanding in the world. I have to go out and infuse the physical with light. I have to create a world where truth and knowledge can shine through.
And what better way to do that than through education?
So after studying how to learn in seminary. I studied behavioral science (which is the study of how and why humans behave the way that they do). Then, I landed myself in a pretty good school to learn child advocacy in a Masters of Education in Human Development and Psychology program so I could further my factual knowledge on effective means to educate youth facing risk. But here, in school, I have come across an impasse.
I left a land of open miracles to a land of hidden ones.
I left an environment that fosters insight to one that fosters testable knowledge.
I left a world of kiddusha (holiness) to enter the world of mundane happenings.
I found myself in the world's epicenter of knowledge, lost in the dark.
It is here I find myself asking: Where is Hashem?
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